Square One

Joe and I talked yesterday for the first time since the fight. It started on instant messenger as a "Hey, I need to get this from you" kind of thing, and evolved into a real conversation from there. He came over after work, for what was to be a 10 or 15 minute talk, that lasted two hours. All the cards, all the truths were laid out on the table.

We're not back together. We started out as best friends, and we were losing that. And we wanted to get it back. So we're starting over at the beginning, as friends.

After that we went to his place for me to pick up some stuff. I tinkered with the accordion I bought him, trying to fix it, we talked about instruments and music and his neighbors and just shot the shit, in a more relaxed, easy way than we've talked in a while.

Met Ashly back at my house, with Joe to follow a half hour later or so, bearing pizzas. I said to Ashly that in a surprising way, I felt relieved. All the tension, the walking on eggshells, it was gone. I had my best friend back and it felt like it used to.

Joe made it over and we spun records, ate pizza, talked, and laughed. Lots and lots of laughter. It was a great night. One of the best I've had in quite a while.

Ashly left, and Joe and I just chilled on the couch, all smiles, listening to Elizabeth Cotten, content and chatting. "Do you feel... relieved?" he asked me. Seems like we're both on the same page.

It's the right path. It's what both of us needs right now.

FACT: The blog is back.

Ironically, it was Joe who told me not long ago I should start blogging again. If anyone ever read this thing, I expect you've long stopped checking for updates, so I might as well get it all out here.

Once Upon A Time, not too long ago, I fell in love with my best friend. In the beginning, it was everything I'd ever wanted (and given up on so long ago). I skipped through the days leaving unicorns and rainbows and sunflowers in my wake. I smiled until my cheeks hurt. I won the boy lottery. I was beautiful and sexy and cherished and loved.

Then a Thing happened. Something dark and slithering wormed it's way into my fairy tale, as they are wont to do, as written in the old days. It was a scary, serious, uncertain time. It brought us even closer. For a time, we were like two astronauts, tethered together, the two of us alone, looking down on the world.

Then he started to drift. And the days were no longer sweet, but an aftertaste, fading ever so slowly. There were more fights. There was more time spent together but apart. The roller coaster began to rock and pick up speed. It wasn't of his own volition, really. The dark and slithering thing was still there.

He never looked so surprised as the day I told him sometimes I didn't even think he liked me.

We got off the roller coaster. We got back on. It rattled on loose hinges, going dangerously faster, until last Thursday, when it finally flew off the tracks and exploded in spectacular cinematic fashion.

By now, I have conquered all the peaks of pathetic. I have cried as he took his things. I have gotten emo all over facebook. I have written him a letter, throwing myself at his mercy. He wants nothing to do with me. I have behaved like a kicked puppy.

I'm passing into the next phase now. Whatever you call it, bleak and empty, like a desert - nothing happening, nothing to look at, but sure as shit ain't nothing can sneak up on me. I haven't slept in days.

I consulted my Voice of Reason. He gave me two pieces of advice. One - endure. Two - install a hipster alarm, because they seem to be no good for me.

I am enduring. I am treading water.

I miss my best friend.