Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Okay, I totally lied.

I declared an end to my Shift Lock hiatus. The two or three of you who still occasionally check this page may have noticed this update takes place two months later. Six posts a year isn't much of a blog. It isn't much of anything at all.

Four days ago, I joined the ranks of the unemployed. That was Friday afternoon. It's Tuesday night and I'm half-watching the L&O SUV SVU finale. I've held up remarkably well, optimistic even. I know things will be hard, life will suck for a while, maybe a long while, and there will be days when I don't even want to get out of bed. I also have a chance to start a new life, and when I'm back on my feet, I'll be better than I was before.

Likely contributing to my calm demeanor is the fact I've been unable to stop worrying about when certain property tax bills are due, if anyone will remember to process the intercompany checks, or be able to decipher my notes about who needs to be called back about what. I just put a load of laundry in to wash all the hot weather blouses that aren't t-shirts. It feels like a really long Sunday. I'm not delusional, I've thought for four days about everything I need to do now, made a bunch of lists, and have checked off the most important ones. It just still feels like being on vacation.

Until just now, when reality hit me like a ton of bricks. Not all at once, but as though someone hurled them at me, one by one, until the pile was gone. I'm almost out of some of my meds. I have no insurance and not a lot of money.  It's not that this isn't something that didn't already occur to me, but opening up my little pill case and seeing those last two blue tablets, that was all it took to get my mind off and running. A mental list of all the hundreds of things I have to worry about now, for the first time in my life. The voice in my head went on and on, like reading the list of ingredients in Chicken McNuggets. Yet here I've been, instead still stressing out about a job that I no longer have. As the bricks smash into my gut, those worries finally lift from my shoulders. At least there's that. Right now, that doesn't feel like much. This is the "oh, shit" moment. This is panic. This is for keeps.

However! This is good news for you both. If I can't find time to keep up with a blog when I have no job, this page has no business clogging up the intertubes. I'm not sure my rambling, pointless internal monologues do anyway, but writing here gets me writing more elsewhere, and that's a good thing. I might occasionally have something relevant to talk about now. No more Dear Diary, Today I went to work and did a bunch of finance stuff that makes people wished they hadn't asked me to elaborate on what I do, came home, fed the quadrupeds and tripod, watched the news, played with the dogs, considered cleaning, lay on the couch instead and A) watched TV, B) a movie, C) futzed around on the computer, or D) some combination of the above, fell asleep.

So, this has been the exposition post. I had some other things I wanted to say, but as usual, I rambled more than I intended and I'm tired.