And this is why I will be single forever.

Riley used to sleep with me every night. She hasn't done so in a few months; a combination of moving bedrooms, lack of rugs that she needs to get a running start, and I've been sleeping on the couch a lot lately as it helps my back. Then there's Molliewog, who makes it difficult for me to spend quality one-on-one time with my Taterhead.

Last night, I waited till Mollie was snoring soundly in her dog bed in the living room, and I quietly scooped up Riley and carried her to bed, so she could curl up next to me and I could rub her ears till she fell asleep, like in the old days. Riley does not like to be carried, and she freezes, sort of like those fainting goats that go stiff and fall over when startled. I put her on the bed and climbed under the covers, and eventually she decided that shifting and settling down would not bring Armageddon down upon her, collapsed against me, and sighed contentedly.

I enjoyed about six minutes of this peaceful bliss, and was just about to drift off, when Mollie must have awoken in the living room to find us gone. I heard a plaintive whine, and turned my head to see a slightly crooked shape with big bat ears silhouetted in my doorway. "Hi Mollie," I said, and she immediately gimped over to the edge of the bed (she, with her 2.8 legs, has no issue with the hardwood floors, of course), tail wagging furiously. I lifted her up, there was no other option. She reacted as I expected with "OMG RILEY IS HERE TOO WITH MOMMY HI RILEY HI MOMMY HI HI HI" as she stepped all over us. To my pleasant surprise, this only lasted a minute or so, till suddenly she collapsed, draping herself over my legs like a sack of potatoes. This was okay. I could deal with being pinned down, Riley was content and spooned up against me for better ear-rubbing access, and I could sleep.

Then came the cats. One by one. Bun first, settling on the pillow next to me. Dewey, his plaintive "Murr?" announcing his presence, tromping on my head, then bashing his face into Mollie's as a sign of affection, which led to much stirring and rearranging of all the animals. I sighed.

The tinkling bell of Wobbly's collar alerted me to his entrance. Wobbly, not being the most graceful of felines, made a flying leap up, landing directly like a furry cannonball on my stomach. Which caused me to fart, scaring Riley, at the same time Wobbly immediately fell off the bed, and Molliewog attempted to leap after him. Tangled in the covers, I managed to catch her before she landed, and set her down gently, but the peace was over. Dewey lept and skittered from the room, Riley, startled by my trumpet butt noises and the chaos, wanted off the bed NOW. As scared as she is of hardwood floors I didn't want her jumping down and landing with no traction, which would scar her for god knows how long, so I picked her up again. This sent her into full-blown panic mode, and she immediately dribbled pee down my leg.

The bed was a tangle of now fur and dirt covered sheets. Only Bun was nonplussed, happy to stay curled up on his pillow, while the rest of the zoo thundered around the house either in play or neurotic flight. I heard glass break in the kitchen. 

I cleaned up the broken bud vase, took a shower, grabbed a clean blanket out of the closet, and slept on the couch.